Post Partum

I debated whether or not I wanted to write this blog post but I figured I would since it is party of my story.

After Ellie was born I had a bout of post partum depression.  I know. I know.  How could that be with this cute little face?!

I'm pretty sure I was in denial about it for quite some time.  I know I had several friends assure me that it was normal and it was okay if I was, but I didn't think that it could happen to me.  If you talked to me during that time, it probably included my crying at some point during the conversation.  And if you texted or emailed me, I probably responded to you tearfully at one point or another.

I think the tell tale realization for me was when I had my 6 week follow up appointment after Ellie was born.  I dropped Ellie of at my parents and tearfully left. I sat in the examination room waiting on the doctor trying to compose myself.  The PA walked in and in her most cheerful voice asked "How are you?! How's the baby?!". I immediately burst into tears.  Yep, one of my finer moments.  I have no idea what the poor PA thought initially but I'm certain I wasn't the first girl that sat crying in the exam room.  I let her know that the crying was my problem and I felt like I couldn't pull myself out of this funk I was in.

The sweet PA talked to me about it and we decided that it was best that I start some medication for the post partum depression.  She assured me that it was a temporary thing and we'd revisit it in a few months and see how I was doing.

Now, I'm fairly certain that post partum looks different to everyone.  I felt like I had a pretty mild case but how would I know? Looking back I realize what all the signs were and I totally ignored them.  Here's what it looked like in me.

Anxiety-I was pretty anxious about everything involving this new little being in my care. I couldn't imagine how I could take care of her and Avery. At night every little sound she made woke me up and put me in a state of dread.  I would wake up every morning and feel sick that I had 2 kids to take care of!

Crying- the crying wasn't too bad but now I realize that it went on longer than it should have.  So many times Ronnie would come home and I would cry to him about how I didn't feel like myself.  Hmmm, red flag?  Probably so. Ronnie was such a trooper though.  Bless his heart.  If you need a pep talk, he's your man!

Breast Feeding- I realize now that I hated breast feeding and the process was driving me crazy.  Don't get me wrong, breast feeding is great. I'm all for it.  I wish it could have worked out for me but I couldn't make it work.  I was losing my sanity.  So many times I sat with Ellie feeding and I was crying.  I couldn't take it any more.  I had to stop.

Sleep Deprivation- Of course new parents are sleep deprived.  That's the "joy" of having a baby right?  But the sleep deprivation combined with the depression was not a healthy combination.  I was sleep deprived but I found that a lot of times I couldn't nap when I had the opportunity.  I had too much going on in my brain and couldn't relax.  I was too worried about stuff which added to the anxiousness.

Bonding- If I could tell any new mom one thing I would tell them this.  It's okay if you don't bond with your baby right off the bat.  In all likelihood you won't.  Oh, you will love this child always but bonding is a tough thing.  Ellie was a fussy baby.  If she was awake she was fussy.  Not necessarily crying, just fussy and not content.  It's hard to bond with a fussy baby.  I was certain that I'd never love her as much as I loved Avery.  How could I?  She was so fussy!    I loved the girl but she was quite the challenge.

Newborn Naps - Ellie wasn't a great napper.  She did okay at night but naps were horrible. She'd only nap for about 15-45 minutes and I was about to lose my mind.  This is pretty normal but when you have a fussy baby anytime you can get them to sleep is a blessing.  Ellie wouldn't nap in her crib for the longest time.  I'd have to carry her around in the sling.  Of course then she slept like a champ! But again, I was losing my sanity carrying her around all the time!

Eventually things started to calm down.  I got some medication, Ellie started to be more content and everything finally started to fall into place.  Ellie was a good 3 months old before I finally thought "Okay, I can do this." 

I'm not sure if it was the medication or just Ellie getting a little older but I finally started to feel like myself.  I lowered my expectations of naps, I wasn't so anxious all the time, I stopped worrying about how much sleep she was getting during the day, we bonded, I got some naps, and I dropped the guilt of not breast feeding. 

Now, I'm feeling like myself again and weaning myself off the meds.  I actually get stuff done around the house and can't imagine not having these two girls!  We are all starting to find our groove and figure this whole thing out.  There were so many people that helped me during that time- constantly sending me texts, emails, phone calls, prayers.  I'm forever grateful.

So there you have it.  That's my story of my post partum depression.  It looks different in everyone and lots of people deal with in various ways.  At the end of the day, I love these girls and my life with them! God is good!

Things to Do

First let me say the pictures in this post have nothing to do with the post itself.  I just like to add pictures- it's makes everything more interesting.

So I'm 38 weeks pregnant.  It feels like 83 weeks but the doc says 38.  I guess I'll trust her judgement.  I am scheduled for a C-section on Monday, December 5. If you are keeping score at home thats only 8 more days.  And in that time, I have a lot I'd like to get done. Enjoy a glimpse into my crazy mind.

1. House Chores
Theres a lot that needs to be done around the house.  It's nothing life or death related it's silly things like this:

• hang picture in hallway
• install A's "bookshelf" in room (is a hanging sling-like "bookshelf")
• Clean bathrooms (we have 3)
• Move Avery's old bath stuff to new bathroom by her new room
• Organize pantry
• Get more freezer meals together
• Make December menu plan
• And more that gets added to the list daily

It's not that any of those things NEED to get done, it's just that I'm kind of nesting and I want it done.  Today.

2. Ellie's room
This is probably the list that gives me the most stress. 

• Dresser - we are having E's dresser painted and I haven't heard when we expect to get it back.  Until then, I have no place to put blankets, onesies, sleepers, gowns, sheets, etc.  Plus the dresser is going to be our changing table.
• Decor-
• I have big plans to create a gallery wall.  I should probably get started on that.
• Frame vinyl name on wall- I have the frame and the name ordered.  Just waiting on the USPS to deliver.
• Mirror- I have a big mirror that I want to put above the dresser.  I should probably get that spray painted.
• Shelf- I have a shelf that needs to be hung.
• Stuff for shelf- I guess if i'm going to hang a shelf I should probably find stuff to put on it.
• Sling bookshelf- I have fabric and supplies to make the same type of sling bookshelf for E's room (Pinterest find).  They need to be made and installed.
• Pack Bag- there's not a lot I will take for E to the hospital but I need to make sure we have her coming home outfit, etc.
• Bassinet- someone (Ronnie) needs to get this out of the attic.  And someone (me) needs to wash linens for said bassinet.

3. Crafts
Have you heard of Pinterest?  If not, I urge you to get thee over there and sign up.  As I read recently, it's like ripping pages out of a magazine and putting them in a binder only easier.  Well, thanks to Pinterest I have all kinds of ideas I want to get done.

• Ruffle tote bags (gifts) - Pinterest find, I made one this evening and it is adorable.  I have several friends, Avery's teachers, etc. that I'd like to make a ruffle tote for but it's all a matter of time.

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• Advent Calendar- I have always, always, always wanted an Advent calendar.  I think they are so fun and now that I have a child that really understands Christmas, I'd love to have one with her.  Again, thanks to Pinterest I found a great pattern for a cute Advent calendar idea...it's just a matter of getting it made.  Before December 1.  Place your bets now on the likelihood of that happening.

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Coasters (gift)- found a great tutorial on Pinterest (gasp, i know!) for cute hand made coasters.  What a great gift idea for that hard to buy for person.  They look super easy and not too difficult. Famous last words my friends.

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• Christmas shirt for Avery. Another Pinterest find.

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4. Pack hospital bag
This is kind of difficult to do.  It's like trying to pack for vacation 1 week early.  You are still wearing clothes and using your stuff.  I have a pile of stuff put together but my fear is that I will go into labor early and all my yoga pants will be in the dirty laundry.  Because of the C section I know I will be in the hospital 3-4 days.  It's hard to plan what to pack when you just don't know how you will feel and what you'll want to wear.  Plus I need to get a bag together for Avery. 

5. Christmas
See Crafts above.  Plus, we'd hoped to have our Christmas shopping done.  That hasn't happened but we are about half done.  I feel pretty good about that.  What I don't feel good about is that I'm just not able to decorate the house this year like I usually do.  I mean, I'm that person that have 4-5 trees around the house and no room is without a Christmas decoration.  I'm okay with that but I still want to make Christmas special for Avery. My list of Christmas to be done before E would look something like this:

• Christmas tree- we have a smaller tree that can be set up pretty easily.
• Avery's Christmas tree- yes, Avery has a tree for her room.  I've bought her some special ornaments and she has pink lights for her tree.  She'll be thrilled once it's up.
• Start wrapping gifts

6. Phone Calls
I've got about a ba-jillion phone calls to make.  Haircut, massage (rough I know), house cleaning (I have a groupon), and then some. Lot's of appointments to make this week!

As you can see, there's a lot to get done in 8 days.  Again, all of this doesn't have to be done before the baby gets here and obviously it won't all get done.  Nonetheless, I still get a little bit of anxiety thinking about what needs to be done.  Of course, this list isn't exhaustive either.  I'm sure there's more that needs to be done that I'm forgetting. But I know that at the end of the day, if all this stuff doesn't get done, it will be waiting for us when we get home with our new family member.  That will be the greatest gift.

But don't cry to me if your Christmas gift is wrapped in a Target bag.

33 Weeks

Confession: I'm horrible at taking pregnancy pictures of myself. 

It's one thing I regret with my pregnancy with Avery and I told myself that with this kid I would do better.  If anything I've done worse. I had big plans to take weekly pregnancy pictures.  As of today, I have 2 pregnancy pictures.  Pretty awesome right?

This is the first picture I took of myself pregnant. I was 14 weeks.

I had a little bump and hadn't gained too much weight. I could still wear some of my regular clothes including my favorite pair of jeans. At this point, I barely knew where my yoga pants were stashed.

This is me now. At 33 weeks.

Huge. I'm past that "I feel like a cute pregnant girl".  I've now entered the "I look like a whale" stage.  Mental not to self: This blue shirt does not help the whale look. I can no longer wear any "normal" clothes and am sick of maternity clothes. My yoga pants and I are BFF and I'm fairly certain Ronnie thinks I don't get dressed during the day.  I assure you, if we go out in public I am dressed appropriately.  But I will admit as soon as we get home, the jeans come off and the yoga pants come on. 

I will admit, I'm doing better with this pregnancy than I did with Avery as far as weight gain.  I've walked a lot more now than I did with Avery and am trying to eat better.  But the holiday season is just around the corner and I'm going to really have to watch myself. I mean, look at my face.  It's already getting puffy and there's still 6 weeks to go!

So here are some things you might be wondering.

When are you due again?

My due date is December 10th but we have a C-section scheduled for December 5th.  I had to have an emergency C-section with Avery and while it's not the ideal delivery plan, it's what I've got.  I am praying (and asking you to do the same) that I go into labor before the 5th.  Mostly it's selfish but I want to deliver around the 1st so we can be in the hospital over the weekend. Bizarre I know but it's a schedule thing.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling fine...as fine as you can feel at 33 weeks.  I'm definitely getting tired and being home with Avery can be exhausting at times (that's not me complaining by the way). But, all in all, this pregnancy has been good to me.

Is Avery excited?

Avery is VERY excited to be a big sister.  I'm not sure she understands what she's in for when Baby Sister gets here.  We've tried to explain that Baby Sister will take a lot of attention but Avery's 3.  I'm not sure she really gets it.  But she likes to talk and sing to Baby Sister.  She gives Baby Sister hugs and during every prayer time she says "thank you for Baby Sister and keep her helpy (healthy)".  It might be the sweetest thing ever. Melts my heart.

Are you ready?

No.  I'm not ready.  Not only is the nursery not ready (although we do have a crib so what more do we need?) and not prepared mentally.  I mean, two kids?! Some days I can barely handle the one kid we have.  How does it work with two?  Yikes!  But I am thankful that Ronnie is such a hands on dad and I'm not doing this alone.  Our girls have wonderful grandparents that are willing to step in at a seconds notice so we have lots of help.  Not to mention our friends that I know I can call and cry on their shoulders too!

Do you have a name?

We did finally decide on a name: Ellie Abigail.

There's no special significance to either name.  We just liked them. 

So there you have it.  A 33 week update.  Maybe I'll update weekly from here on out... but I wouldn't count on it!





Forgotten Pregnancy

They say (whoever "they" are) that you forget about the childbirth experience and that's why people have more than 1 kiddo.  If women fully remembered the experience of childbirth, there would only be 1 child families out there.  Well, I didn't have a "normal" childbirth experience with Avery.  I was induced and during contractions Avery would distress so I had to have an emergency C-section.  And honestely, it wasn't all that bad.  I mean, I got to stay in the hospital 4 whole days.  Someone at my beck and call (nurses), someone that came by and checked on Avery daily (pediatrician) and someone to cook every meal for me (cafeteria).  So all in all, the experience wasn't all that bad.

Here's what I did forget about.  Pregnancy. I just forgot the toll that it takes on your body.  So I decided to come up with a list of the things I forgot about pregnancy.  A David Letterman sort of list (just not as funny).

The Top 10 Things I forgot about pregnancy:
1. Sleeping
I'm sleeping like crap lately.  I've always been an "asleep before the head hits the pillow" kind of girl.  I would go to sleep and not wake up until my alarm clock goes off (much too early by the way).  But with the pregnancy, if I'm not waking up 14 times to go to the bathroom, I'm waking up because I can't roll over, or my back hurts, or I'm all around uncomfortable in the laying down position.
This is not good.  I'm a "needs all the beauty sleep I can get" kind of girl.  I'm not going to lie, I take full advantage of Rest Time in our house.

2. How cute you look at 22 weeks and how miserable you look at 36 weeks.
I'm not trying to say that I'm looking pretty cute right now at 22 weeks but let's face it- 22 weeks pregnant looks way cuter than 36+ weeks pregnant (unless your Jessica Alba who looks amazing).  And while I'm quite content to be fitting into my maternity clothes right now and even have some things with some room to spare, I know that I'll outgrow some of my favorite pieces.  And I'll have a big, puffy face to prove it. Evidence below (about 37 weeks preggo with Avery).

3. Weight Gain
It's not that I didn't expect to gain weight.  I mean, I'm growing a child inside of me.  But does it have to come on so quickly?!  Here's something to may not know about me.  I'm a compulsive weigher.  There I said it.  I weigh every day.  When I go on vacation, I'm tempted to take the scale with me (I leave it home) but it bugs me not to be able to weigh.  Sometimes I weigh in the morning and before bed.  I know it's crazy. So it's just annoying to see the scale go up and up and up. 
I've actually done much better this time around (I'm at 24 pounds right now).  But it's going to go up even more.  I do have a goal that I think it realistic for me and something I can acheive so I keep working towards that.

4. Nails
For the love of Pete.  What has happened to my nails?  They grow like crazy, yes, however they break, peel and crack.  Even with my prenatal vitamins.  I'm thankful I'm not losing hair so I count my blessings where I can.

5. Maternity clothes
I'm not sure if you've heard but this summer has been H-O-T!  And for any pregnant girl, it's even warmer. Not only does pregnancy increase your internal body temperature (at lease mine anyway) maternity clothes are not exactly cool.  I mean, they are cool in the fact that there are cute maternity clother. However, they aren't cool as in "It's 189 degrees outside. I think I'll go cool off and put on my full panel maternity pants that hate my thighs".

6. Where did my hips go?
No one has ever accused me of having a stick figure.  Nope. I'm curvy.  It's okay. I've learned to embrace it.  I have hips.  And those hips help keep up my pants.  But with pregnancy my hips have disappeared into my belly.  I'm constantly tugging at my pants and it's annoying.  I'd think I'd like to have my hips back please.

7. My husband still finds me attractive
I know that God is real for many reason.  One of those reasons is that he made men to still find their wives attractive when their bodies are doing weird things.  I love that R tells me almost everyday how good I look.  And the thing is that I know he means it. I think it's so sweet and it's another reason I fall in love with him over and over again.

8. Walking
When did this become so difficult?  After I put on 24 pounds?  Oh yeah. It's just become more difficult to walk for long periods of time comfortably.  The good news is that R and I have a Vegas trip coming up in the next few weeks.  Can someone tell me what I was thinking when I thought a trip to Vegas would be great at 26 weeks pregnant?!

9. Bending Over
Goodness gracious.  Bending ovver is getting more and more difficult.  Thankfully I'm due in December because I'm not sure how much longer I can shave my legs. Let alone paint my toe nails. R may be on toe nail duty soon.  I simply ask that if you see me or any other pregnant girl with chipped toe nails, don't judge us.

10. Baby Movement
I love this part of pregnancy.  It's so amazing to feel this sweet baby girl moving inside me.  But it's also the weirdest feeling ever.  There is a baby growing inside my body!  Does anyone else find this feeling just a little bit strange?  Don't get me wrong, I am in constant amazement of the miracle of life, but my sweet little miracle can stop kicking me in the bladder at any time.

Here's the deal.  As much as I've forgotten all the weird amazing parts of pregnancy I wouldn't change it for the world.  I get more and more excited by the day to meet the New Kid and am thankful God has chosen her to be a part of our family. And without pregnancy, I'd never have this little cutie.

More adventures to come!

Girl or Boy? Pink or Blue?

So R and I have known the sex of our little gummy bear since July 7th.

But we decided to keep it a secret for a while.

I don't think our intent was to keep it a secret from our family as long as we did but it just turned out that way. I blame my dad who had to go to Vegas for a conference right after we found out. I know. Rough right? (Hi dad!).

Anyway, we finally decided to reveal the sex to them via pizza.
I know, I know. Pizza is kind of strange. But in case you didn't know R has a Big Green Egg and for Father's day he got a ceramic baking stone.  This means we can now cook pizzas (and cookies!) on the Egg. R has been on a pizza kick since. So he decided he would make a pizza and "write" the sex on the pizza. For the record, I wanted to make a reveal cake.
I let R have his fun.


We'll just go ahead and reveal it to you via pizza too. 

Yep!  We are having another girl! 

I went ahead and baked a fancy schmancy cake for the occasion.

 

Four layers and every layer a different shade of pink. It's actually best that we didn't reveal the sex this way because my frosting wasn't quite hiding all that pink. The cake was delicious though! And it was a fun little addition to the celebration.
(Note to self: do not bake 4 layer cakes in 100+ degree temperatures. your house will never recover)

The bad part is that I slipped up before we served the pizza and referenced the baby as a she. Avery had also spilled the beans to my parents (the girl can't keep a secret) so I'm not sure how surprised everyone was. But the family seems super excited as are we. I'm still not sure that it's sunk in that we'll have 2 little girls running around here. And 2 weddings. And eventually 3 women in the house (if you know what I mean). And more boys than I think Ronnie will ever be prepared for.

In case you needed further proof.

The ultrasound was great though and it looks like we already have a drama mama on our hands. At the time, Baby Girl weighed 8 ounces and was about 6 inches long.

Avery is thrilled to be a big sister and is really excited she is getting a baby sister. She wants to name the baby "Flower Beauty Morris". We don't have the heart to tell her that the name probably won't make the final cut. I mean, we aren't hippies!

So, there you have it. Baby Girl #2 on the way. And I know you're wondering- do you have a name? Yes we do. But we're not telling...

not even to this one.

More adventures to come.

Bump!

The best part of  this past Mother's Day was getting to share some oh so fun news with my parents and in-laws.

We bought my mom and mother in law a necklace that had their grandma name on it (gigi for my mom, nany for R's mom).  We added a birthstone for each of the grandkids.  Two for my mom and three for my mother in law.

It took them a while to figure out our news...

It's true!  I'm pregnant! 14 weeks, 1 day today to be exact.

Our family is overjoyed!

Questions I'm currently getting

Are you excited?
Yes!  We are excited and scared to death.  Is there a manual on how to raise 2 kids?  We're questionable on the first one!

How far along are you?
Right now, 14 weeks.  We've got a long way to go! Our due date is December 10th.

How do you feel?
NOW I feel much better. It was pretty tough there for a while. I had morning, afternoon and evening sickness.  More nausea than actually sick.

Does Avery know?
She knows but I'm not sure she "gets" it. 

Do you know the sex?
Not yet but we will find out around mid-July.  We can't wait!

So there you have it.  Our big news that we've kept a big secret.  Some basic stats you might be interested in:
Picture taken at 13 weeks, 5 days
Weight gain: 10 lbs (we'll see how long this lasts)
Cravings: Nothing in particular. For a while it was cottage cheese but that went away.
Sex prediction: My prediction is a boy but we really don't care either way.

So if I've forgotten your birthday, been crabby to you, or just flat out distant lately, now you know why! We are so blessed to get to experience parenthood for the second time and can't wait to share it with you!

More adventures to come!